☆ camryn

dear camryn ,

nobody else understands me . whats worse is , nobody else wants to try . youre the best friend i have .

or , lets face it : the only friend i have . its just you and me here , so lets be honest with ourselves . because why not , right ?

mom didnt want me . dad didnt want to stay . mom got stuck with me . mom had to deal with me . dad got to start over . why didnt we get to start over ? nobody let us start over . Why does nobody ever let you start over ? why cant i start over ? i want to start over so badly , i want to be somebody new , but i look in the mirror and , big surprise , its still the same old me .

everybody else has a family . i just have parents . everybody else has a home . i just have a house . a lonely little house , with a tiny little bed , and the carpets have smelled weird since the day we moved in . everybody else has dreams . i just have setbacks . everybody else has a network . i just have Facebook . everybody else has a connection . i just have collisions .

and then theres him . like , all my hope is pinned on him . like , everything i am is invested in is him , my entire existence is wrapped up in him . like , everything would be ok if only there were him . who i dont even know and who doesnt really know me . but i feel like if I knew him well , i could love him . and i feel like if he knew me ...

who am i kidding ? lets be honest with ourselves . lets just try to be honest with ourselves .

never going to happen . he doesnt care . does anybody even care ? if i disappear tomorrow , nobodys going to care .

they dont even know my name .

im giving up . im giving in . im not fighting it anymore . nothing changes . it doesnt get better . it doesnt get easier . you dont get any wiser . you just get older . your skin gets thinner . your nerve gets weaker . your feelings get hurt enough times that youd rather not feel it anymore . you give up . i give up.

i give up . once and for all , i give up .

sincerely , me .

no one cares at all . im actually sitting here crying and no one has loooked me once , i swear im invisible .
would anyone care if i was gone . if i died tonight would anyone be worried why im not at school . i highly doubt it . why is he still with him . why are they still together and hanging out like nothings happened. "im not saying you have to be friends with them . do you NOT care ???? they have hurt me , mistreated me , manipulated me . i obviously dont wanna hangout with them . and idont you to either . cant you understand . YOUR actions hurt . they hurt a ton . they hurt so much im crying and im worried that no one even tolerates me anymore . everyone leaves and its alll my fault , every single time . whenever i get blocked , whenever someone stops talking to me its because my standards are too high or something . i just want to be treated like a person . and have someone that cares . SOMEONE . at this ppoint the someone who might care a little is mrs franks and my mom and even then its not like they care enough to notice im BEGIGNG for help . its like my first hour teacher has been purposely ignoring me . everytime he walks by me he looks the opposite direction . i probably already mentioned this but he was looking RIGHT at me . what do i have to do to be found . what do i have to do to be noticed . be normal ???? i wixh i was normal i wish i was like every other kid thats NORMAL . kids who never have issues because theu have caring friends , and a caring rrich family . live a normal life with minimal issues . like i said i dont believe im living in real life on earth because no one even bats an eye at me and if they do theyre seeing right through me . and not me . im writing this as the teacher as walka by looking at the other side of the room . not even TWO feet awat from me and i go unnotinced . my sui ideation is so bad right now. i wanna die , i want to be gone ,im already basically gone ,,, what owuld be the difference if im actually gone . if i actualy disappeared .


i want to disappear

welll its 2025 hello new year . welcome back 2015 we have missed you !!!!!! okay all jokes aside my year already kind of sucks . im ghosting damian because he literally fatshamed someone skinnier than me which pissed me off already for fatshaming someone and him having this HATEFUL mindset constantly . he also told me i wasnt fat like hello ???? whatever i dont need some stupid boyfriend anymore i hate this . whats the deal with guys always thinking theyre the best and ssosos good but not living up to it at all like are you stupid . this actually goes out to guys i still talk to so if they read this and think this sounds like them then GET BETTER .

i cleaned the entire house by myself because i was getting irritated about how dirty it was and when i asked my family to do ONE simple thing it was youre not the boss of me !!!! likeuughgghs bitch im literally doing your job fuck off

since its the new years im gonna get better about actually doing my workout and eating healthier and actually taking care of myself because i swear im gonna die if i dont because im so BAAD why is hygiene and staying healthy sooo hard i hate having to put in effort to just be normal fuck this world

i called with tyler for like 4 hours which is pretty awesome and it got me to think about a lot for some random reason . maybe ill finally become better , just maybe

anyways i hate you , i hate me , i have love /ref /lyr

haiii i got some cool things for christmas like clothes and room decorations , ive gotten everything set up and im really happy with how it turned out because ive been wanting something like this for awhile . christmas felt boring , i wasnt thrilled at all for some reason . my family members just kind of rushed to presents and we didnt actually spend time together . i guess the gifts were cool . i also went over to an iffy relatives house and they didnt talk to me the ENTIRE time . just shows how little my other relatives care about me . but it isnt a big deal because i dont really like them either sooo ,,,,

i have a crush BIG SIGH . i know i know . this isnt rare for me but still its kind of a big deal for me because i havent been really close to someone this way in a bit . his name is damian and ive known him since like 5th grade . i know what youre saying "but cam !!!!! you shouldnt catch feelings on someone youve known for awhile" and EXACTLY ive known him for so long that i have like a special bond with him ,,, ughfhdw anyways ill let stuff play out and ill update you on my love life laterrrr

i have been learning tarot and focusing on magic and stuff more which is super cool . i gave myself a tarot reading and i got justice , the empress , and reversed ten of pentacles . and its pretty accurate at least . my interpretation of the cards is justice: consequences will come to any action so be cautious with what you do . the empress: finding inner beauty and connecting with nature/natural feelings and reverse ten of pentacles: creating a new start because of major failure .

i gotta go eat dinner baaiiii

i just had the lamest fucking night ever . it sucked . i sang right ?? mrs delay kept signaling to me to quiet down like shut UP . and i sang the wrote note at one point which sucked . when i went to preform with the highschoolers i went up w tobie and aiden fine and dandy . sang fruitcake and yayayy funnnn . then we get to the end of the stage where we sing carol of the bells and im in the line w my friend with the tenor section and its going GREAT im also next to a cute boy who i learned is named tommy ,,,, not exactly the most appealing name but whatevs . all of the sudden my SISTER gets on stage and says " where do i go ?" like hoe what do you MEAN where do i go ???? i told her to get off the stage and she did but now my moms pissed at me for susposedly shoving her like i dont remember doing that but even if i did . sorry you shouldve known what to do . do not rely on me i got to talk to a lot of cute boys today . ones name was charlie and he reminded me of evan hansen , he seemed pretty autistic which is OKAY just he was sorting fucking uno to play with it . so we play uno and he kept throwing cards . silly boy ,,,, HE ALSO HAD A HOLE IN HIS PANTS WHERE HIS CROTCH IS . YOU CAN CALL ME WEIRD BUT IT LOOKED AT ME FIRST ,,,,,,, okay bye ending on a light note

i still love them so much and i would do everything and anything for them . i would walk five miles just to talk to them . but i hate them . i hate the way they treat me . i hate it . all of it . yet i still think of them constantly , create scenarios with them , and look at their pictures . i feel overwhelmed with guilt for my feelings . i hope these stop soon but they havent for awhile

love is a complex and fragile thing . i feel bound to them with an unbreakable rope . hopefully they break it . until then , i am a dog on a leash

please shut up . stop it . youre so obnoxious it is driving me crazy . i hate middle school boys so much . constantly fighting and being weirdly sexual . but the second i tell them to stop im the crazy one . which makes no sense but whatever , why i stay quiet .

i hate the concept of the pledge its so stupid . im not standing up for some flag . this country sucks . oppression and silencing , all it is . the flag means nothing to me


today will be a good day because at least im me.